I think mr Tolle has something to say about that!

Scott Stapp – Crash

Some things are better left, forgotten in the past,
But somehow, those memories never fade.
As I look at these photographs,
They years don’t stop staring back.
They’re as deep as the lines on my face.
So I say it to myself
I’ve lost my way
I’m someone else

When you get too high you crash!
When you get too high you crash!

Then suddenly I feel my feet again.
Standing in the place where,
I once fell over the edge.
I never thought I’d walk again.
I can’t pretend. I ran too hard.
I ran too fast.
Living in a moment never meant to last.
I should’ve known better than that
‘Cause if you get too high you crash

Got lost in the masquerade
The one people loved to hate
Now I’m crossing bridges that I’ve burned.
I thought I knew a million ways
To walk the line down a crooked lane
Fell off the road to heaven,
To a world of hurt
So I say it to myself
I’ve lost my way
I’m someone else

When you get too high you crash!
When you get too high you crash!

Then suddenly I feel my feet again.
Standing in the place where,
I once fell over the edge.
I never thought I’d walk again.
I can’t pretend. I ran too hard.
I ran too fast.
Living in a moment never meant to last.
I should’ve known better than that
‘Cause if you get too high you crash

I will learn to fly again
I will learn to fly again

When you get too high you crash!
When you get too high you crash!

Then suddenly I feel my feet again.
Standing in the place where,
I once fell over the edge.
I never thought I’d walk again.
I can’t pretend. I ran too hard.
I ran too fast.
Living in a moment never meant to last.
I should’ve known better than that
‘Cause if you get too high you crash

 

Downfall

What do you call it when you have set nice future-oriented goals and right after that your downfall starts? Downfall that you yourself have done? It’s like one part of you doesn’t want to be a better person and that part wants to win so badly. What do you call it? Does it have a name? I’m sure it does since I’m sure I’m not the only one in the world experiencing it. Hmmm…

I’m reading a book right now. Perhaps what I’m experiencing is something the books calls “ego” that always comes with two sides of a coin, one is happiness and another fear. Is it fear I’m experiencing right now? However it is the book sees a solution: don’t make ego your alternative you. That is incredibly easy to write down, but insanely hard to put in practice. I’m in trying, that has to count on something right?

Copy and act

When you are tired and low-on-happy (also called “a bit depressed”), but want to talk with someone, share something, be out there and not alone, what will you do?

For the sake of not being a total black hole you start to borrow someone else’s ideas, thoughts, sentences and words. According to Anthony Robbins all people do is copy others. Which I do agree in one way or another, but what I’m trying to say is when you really are tired and a bit depressed would you go out there to share your own thoughts? What would your thoughts be anyway? Wouldn’t your thoughts be exact or at least similar to the thoughts of depressed people that you have heard of in your real life, in books, in movies or theater? How can you be sure these are then your thoughts when you actually have heard them before you came up with it? How do you know that you really have bad mood when you identify it immediately with something you have seen or heard before? Are you sure it’s not just copying and acting? Is this really you? What is really you?

Am I borrowing someone’s ideas and thoughts right now?

Listen to it as loud as you can!

"What Would Love Do"

Go ahead and shove it in my face
Remind me of each of my mistakes
Turn on me tell me I’m wrong that it’s all my fault

I feel I’m losing control
Putting my fists through the wall
This is the place that I break I can’t take anymore
I see the fear in your eyes
I’m frozen standing still in time

What would love do
What would love do
It would look in my face and stop me from hurting you
What would love do
What would love do

I broke down and fell to the floor
Said I can’t do this anymore
I almost lost the one thing I could never lose

I felt completely disarmed
Naked stripped down to the heart
Humble and shaken its time to start healing these wounds

How do I break from this hell
It’s time I start asking myself

What would love do
What would love do
If it were here in this room standing between me and you
What would love do
What would love do
It would look in my face and stop me from hurting you
That’s what love would do

Its time to come out of the dark
And step into the light
When fear tries to tear us apart
And we’re torn between two sides

What would love do
What would love do
It would look in my face and stop me from hurting you
What would love do
What would love do
If it were here in this room standing between me and you
What would love do
What would love do
It would look in my face and stop me from hurting you
That’s what love would do

Questions

Why is everything so simple when reading about it, but once you start to act according to it, it’s so hard? So many variables to think of, many of them you can’t think of at all. What do you do then? Go back to the start when you started to read about it? Give up? Make compromise and move forward forgetting what you read?

I literally lose it. I lose the ground under my feet, I lose the clear sight I have set. Suddenly there are so many things I have to think of, why didn’t I see it beforehand? Why couldn’t I anticipate it? Why why why?

People act differently in similar situations. How can you make sure you do the right thing in the situation when there is no guidance what is right?

Anyway these are the questions that have been hunting me recently…

Thank you, @ChrisEvans

I have this habit that once I need to do something boring, but incredibly important that needs a lot of mind-power in a longer period than couple of days, then I start to search for help to motivate me. Usually I pick a celebrity and find out as much as I can about him/her. Reading their interviews and listening to their music or watching their movies helps me to build a fake fantasy world that is incredibly real at that time. Building this fantasy world with the celebrity in it makes me feel that he/she is rooting for me: “You can do it!” “One more sprint, you are almost there!” “Go, go, go!” Basically this fantasy world makes me believe that everything is possible, I can focus to fulfill the unbelievably boring, but really needed assignment.

2 or 3 weeks ago I went to see “Captain America: The Winter Soldier” and so it happened that luckily or sadly the celebrity I picked out was Chris Evans. About a week now I have been writing my final thesis in my fake world, where he is giving me advice, smiling and rooting for me “You can do it!” From what I could gather he seems to be down to earth guy who just likes to act and is not so fond of spotlight. It was exactly what I needed. His advices kept me grounded and focus on the thesis. And at one point I realized he wasn’t only helping me to keep me focused with my thesis, but he also helped me to look into myself and what I want from my life. I didn’t expect that. I won’t go into details, but I finished my first draft of my thesis and I have set some really frightening goals for myself to do with my life.

I try not to lose track on my goals that I have set now, because I know the fantasy world I have created will go *poof* quite soon. It usually lasts 1-2 weeks anyway and after that I don’t even remember it anymore. So before I forget: I wholeheartedly thank you, Chris Evans. Somehow your low-key presence in media helped me much more than these who are all over in media.

Meatball

Couple of days ago I found myself discussing with myself on the meaning of “meatball”. When someone calls someone a meatball, what exactly do they mean by it? A person who is delicious outside but inside is not? We can’t say that what we see outside is all that we get, because a meatball consists of a lot of things. Depending on the culture, but my meatballs consist of milk, bread, meat, eggs, pepper, salt, onion… So when calling one a “meatball” then you can’t really say that that person is just a shell, can you?

Do you call meatballs the ones who just don’t cut out for more? You can’t say they are medium rare stakes with amazing wine sauce, you can’t say they are gourmet meat… You just say they are meatballs, because they just aren’t cut out to be a gourmet meat dish… So this means the one who is called a meatball is just an average Joe/Jane?

Who is meatball?

Buddhism

I stumbled on an interview with the actor Chris Evans. There was this one question that got my attention. The question was following: “If you could look back and talk to the 12 year version of yourself. What advice would you give?”

Chris: "It might seem oversimplified but it’s profound. I’d say: “Shhh…” It’s so funny how noisy my brain is… everyone’s brain is noisy. It’s what it does, it makes thoughts. The problem is that I think most in our lives the root to suffering is following that brain noise and listening to that brain noise and actually identifying with it as if it’s who you are. That is just a noise your brain makes. And more often than not it probably does not have nothing much to say that’s going to help you.” /…/ “Saying “Shhh…” is not quitting. It’s not giving up. It’s not washing your hands from the thought. It’s rising above it, it’s operating on a separate plane. You can’t dissect why that works, because the reason it works doesn’t speak the same language that the brain works.”

The guy might be a bit influenced by Buddhism and although it brought back all the memories from the time I was at university reading all sorts of Buddhism and Taoism literature, which is great, then…

Somehow I feel he was trying to give to his younger self the advice he himself was yet not living according to. If he would live according to his advice to just be “Shhh…” then he wouldn’t give that advice to his younger self. Because like I wrote in my last post then the younger you in my opinion is just a way to look back at your past and never really see the future. So your brain is constantly making noise and you are listening to it. If you wouldn’t listen to it then there also wouldn’t be a younger you to give advice to.

He got the essence of “Shhh…” right though, which is great. But how can the older promote it to a younger version of himself if he isn’t living according to it?

.. then again life is a constant learning curve with or without “Shhh…”. One can still be on the road to master the technique while already teaching it to the younger ones be it in religion, art, math, languages…

Besides if he really would be living according to the “Shhh…” then we would have a bald Chris Evans who is wearing most of the time a robe and living high in the mountains. I think a lot of people would object on that…

Mini me

I thought of beginning this post with the words “Once upon a time…” and then I just blanked out. I have no idea anymore what I wanted to write about. Once upon a time there was a girl? Me? Alright let’s make it me. Once upon a time there was a me. … OK that doesn’t sound right… Mini me. Once upon a time there was a mini me…

… Weird. A mini me. What if I really would have a mini me? Exact replica of myself, but younger and (a bit) smaller version of me. What would I tell her? Would I tell her to avoid the mistakes I have made in the past? Would I tell her to make more mistakes than I did in the past? Would I try to build her into a perfect me? Would I ask from her what she thinks of the present me? Would I, should I, could I? What if I really would say, try and ask all of that from her? Would that make the present me better? Most likely not, I would try to reflect on all my past actions and never look to the future. Would she help me to look to the future? Just by existing the answer would be a no. There is no way for you to look into the past and think of the future, is there? So then why are people so attached to their past?

Fanwomen, -men

How do people who are being obsessed over handle all of this? Hundreds, thousands, hundreds of thousands of fangirls and –boys. I guess the really young ones and old ones one can handle. For the young you can be as an older brother or sister, a role model.  You won’t take them that serious. The older ones are a bit more tricky. How do you put yourself out there if an older woman or man is being obsessed with you? Creepy? They can’t all be creepy. I guess one would take them (who are not creepy) as a friend or perhaps even a (grand)mother, –father figure? Also them you won’t take very seriously, I mean come-on who takes a grandma or grandpa 100% face value?

Now the ones who are close to one’s age are the most difficult ones. Most of them will scream when they see you, they shout out affectionately “I love you” “Marry me” etc. You can’t help yourself but to think of them as a girlfriend, boyfriend figure, no matter how insane they seem. How does one handle that situation? Thousands, ten thousands of fanwomen or –men just wanting to touch you, speak with you, hug you, kiss you… I can’t imagine what it might feel like. I’m just reaching for the stars here but for the non-experienced the basic instinct might take over – freeze and hide in your shell smiling shyly. Or the more obvious one – run and hide. For the experienced one you will skillfully hide in your shell, flirt with your fanwomen or –men and move on, the next second you don’t remember a thing what just happened because you make it so unimportant for you. You might be afraid to think about what just happened and why they want you so much. No one ever wants someone that much unless they have a problem in their life. It would make you crazy trying to figure out what kinds of problems they might have that made them so obsessed with you.

Why do people obsess over something or someone? It has to be because of the lack in their life. Lack of life or lack of something in their life. No role model? Come on… if you would think that the actor or actress, musician, public figure etc. you are obsessed with is your role model then it can’t be true. A role model helps you advance in life. Helps you take yourself together and keep you pushing yourself until you are one step closer to the ideal you see in your role model. You wouldn’t scream to your role model “I love you!”…

A fantasy is most likely the more obvious reason. A fantasy you can mold yourself. A perfect fantasy where your idol will spot you from the screaming crowd because you screamed the loudest. A perfect fantasy where you, as the quieter one will be tramped over until your idol sees you and rescues you. A perfect fantasy with an idol with a heart of gold, a heart just for you. Fantasy makes one’s life perfect, it’s an escape from the troubles of the real life. A scapegoat. The ones who wait for their idols hours and hours just to see a glimpse of them have been lost in their fantasy. And just for that reason the fantasy will never come true. Don’t get yourself be consumed by your fantasy. It’s efficient to let it carry you on it’s wings in reality, but that is a totally different story in some other time perhaps. … just don’t get yourself consumed by your fantasy and you’ll see your idol a much happier person. A person who just might become your role model.